Suicide and Other Comforts

This a personal narrative by the local resident of Ithaca, the one and only Covet. So listen up all you fucks, its been a wild ass ride.

So, last week, I started my day like I always do. I drank some rum when I rolled out of bed at 3 p.m.. I couldn't remember what happened the night prior, which leads me to believe it involved me missing work, again. I told those bitches at Tops I could only work night shifts. Anyways, I pushed this whore off me and went to the bathroom. I felt like I pissed my brains out. What didn't get in the bowl sprayed all over the seat and on the walls and in the rubbish bin.

I then went and fixed myself a drink of rum with some orange juice and proceeded to watch goat porn. The whore on the bed rolled around for a while, got up and left. Fuck her anyways, she'll be back later. They always come back. Well, after I watched some goat porn, and finished my drink, I got dressed and left. I had things to do.


I got into my car, a banana yellow Yugo GV, and drove across town to a place I go when I need pills. I walked up to the house, knocked politely and Harold answered. Thats Ricks base slave from way back. He does a great job of shining the niggers shoes and cleaning around the toilet bowl. I knew I had to get me one of them. So Rick gave me the usual, a few pellets of Mescaline, a bag of Screamers and a Visine bottle of acid.

I took the Mescaline straight away, payed the man and left. Back on the road, in the car, I drove down route 13, and then the drugs began to take hold of me. At first it just edged around the sides, something like a bag being dragged over your head, but then it became something more defined. I looked out my rear view mirror to see that I was being chased by lions. An entire pride of lions had escaped the zoo and were now chasing me down the highway. I of course sped up, but I knew the car could never escape the oncoming rush. Soon they were all around, biting and snipping at me, and one of them was riding with me. But he was ok, and he just chilled out and listened to Zombie Nation with me. He told me a lot about god and life and cats, and I very impressed with his knowledge.

After I got to my friends house around 6:30 p.m., we drank some more and we tore up his metaphysics thesis to use as blotter paper for the acid. After three hits, we laid on the floor and enjoyed the trip. Giant spiders lifted the roof off the ceiling and cocooned us in latex. Then we watched TV and drank vodka and then the TV became an eyeball. It just stared at us.

Later when when we recovered around 10 p.m. we went to the Second Floor on the commons. I ordered a Bloody Smurf and they didn't know what that was. After an hour when we were good and drunk, we went down the road to another bar. This one was packed and had a lot of people. I got some decent x and had them with a shot of gin. At some point I went outside and vomited on the side walk.

Later, around midnight, me and Joe went to the Haunt where we drank some more until 2 a.m., when they closed. We went with some stupid Cornel girls to their Sorority house where they had some Desoxyn, and we took a couple of tablets and had some group sex. After we fucked those bitches, drank all their beer and took all their drugs, we pissed on them while they slept. We then got into a cab and left. I just remembered at this point I had no idea where my car was.

We had the cabbie let us off at Forest Road around sunrise, where we found an anti-war poster comparing the deaths of Iraqi Citizens to Va Tech Students. It asked us if we could feel the pain of the Iraqi's, and I wrote on it, "No, Cause Sand Niggers Don't have feelings"

Well, we dropped more acid and started walking home. Thats when we noticed the stop sign was chasing us. We were so scared, but our legs felt weak. We knew the damn thing was after us. We just couldn't see it. So for 62 miles in enemy gook terrain, a Stop Sign followed us, whispering death in our ears. Some time later we got back to my place where me and Steve made out and fell on the floor. We couldn't sleep, so we did more drugs. My car was outside, but there was old people in it so we left it alone.

Around 8 a.m., we went and got pizza from a local shop. Despite the fact that I smelt urine, I ate the pie anyways and it was good. We then went down the road to Chandices house, and she gave us head and some beer. It was really good. Around noon we went to see a movie, but there was a Queen Alexandra Birdwing in the way. By now we were low on drugs and moved on wards. Breaking into a car we were able to steal a CD player and some loose cash. Its so great that no one locks their doors around here. We took this back to Ricks, and he exchanged it for more pills.

We ate our galaxy breakfast, had the base slave slob our nobs and then we went back out. By 5 p.m., we were back at the bars and by this point I lost track of things and couldn't concentrate. However, a green frog told me something really important that I can't remember and then I woke up.

I was in a jail cell naked and the officer on duty told me later I was running down the road screaming. I guess I shouldn't have taken those last screamers. Anyways, he gave me a smock and threw me out, and I stumbled towards the bus station where I got on and went home.

I took some GHB and went to sleep.