If you wander around Bedtime City on a typical day, and ask one of its wide-crotched citizens what their favourite hang-out spot is, they’ll most likely answer you ‘the bar lol’. If you’ve ever played the second Warbears mission, you’d notice Steve happily guzzling down a Warbeer at the end, the cold, fictional drink sending him into a state of drunkenness and inaudibility. It’s clear that Ioji has no problem with marketing beer to children, through internet communities nonetheless.
But why does Ioji show such an eagerness to turn kids on to alcohol? We investigated this pressing matter, using our crack team of internet detectives.
There’s two possible reasons that Ioji would violate our children's minds, as well as their anal cavities.
1) Ioji is a raging drunk himself, and spends most of his time sampling different kinds of beer, masturbating to the image of two Rottweilers getting it on in a drunken haze. Ioji is attempting to breed a generation of brain-dead, beer hat sporting alcoholics to make himself feel better about his crippling addiction. This would also explain why it takes so long for a Warbears mission to come out.
2) Ioji has a line of children’s beer he’s getting ready to sell through his online shop, like those candy cigarettes kids buy to turn them on to smoking. I personally wouldn’t put it past Ioji, since he’d be willing to do anything to move out of his parents’ basement. It would basically be root beer, but with ‘war’ replacing ‘root’.
Now, if the children on Warbears are anything like I was as a child, their parents have no idea what they're doing online. I’m willing to suspect that the parents of these twelve year olds have no idea that their kids are stealing imaginary beers from behind an abandoned bar counter on the internet. I can just imagine these kids lying behind the bleachers on the football field five years from now, chugging another bottle of whiskey, trying to repress childhood memories of a certain polar bear touching them in their special place.
Thanks to Ioji, the murder rate related to drunk driving accidents will most likely skyrocket within ten years, which may also lead some to believe that he hates America. So, in order to put a stop to this mindless, inevitable violence, I’ve decided to call Mothers Against Drunk Driving, in an attempt to turn this into a national epidemic. Because Ioji must be stopped at all costs, lest he tear apart the fabric of his society with his giant, giggling beer gut. Tune in next week where we follow up with reactions from Mothers Against Drunk Driving, and the impending drama and lulz that are sure to follow!
Whacky Warbears: The Extent of Ioji's Drinking Problem
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